The Back and Forth Rollercoaster

Let me start out by saying I am a wild child and a free spirit. Whatever you choose to call it, I have found it hard to fully submit to my husband. We have come to the question as to whether DD is right for us. Each time the answer is yes, and each time I seem to step further back than the time before. When we first met I was in his car and started mouthing off; he parked the car and slapped my face right there in the CVS parking lot. He told me that he wouldn’t tolerate my mouth and the disrespect and I had a choice; I could either submit to him or choose a different path in life. I was intrigued right from the beginning. I wasn’t angry, or hurt; but I felt more relieved that there was someone out there who wasn’t going to tolerate my BS. I was to learn my place in our relationship, begin to submit to my husband, and show him respect.  I wanted to still live the life that I saw my friends living in their relationships on one hand, and wanted to submit to my husband on the other. My mouth always seems to get the best of me. At first I started out small snide remarks, which built into a piercing tongue. My husband and I are still trying to find our groove with this new life style; both of us have never been in relationships where there is a HOH. My first punishment spanking came a few days ago. I had been neglecting my household chores, my homework, and my respect level. My husband sometimes is inconsistent because how far back I step when I get upset. This last time I stepped well over the line. I lied to my HOH about my whereabouts, I lied about who I was out with, and I lied to his face when he confronted me about it. He told me to get on the bed on my stomach and not to move. He left me there for quite some time while he used the bathroom, took the dog out and gathered the implements he decided to use. Finally he came into the room and asked if I knew why I was going to be punished. Of course I knew. I started to plead, and then suddenly I had this urge to run. Not in the physical sense, but emotionally. I wanted to back out, change my mind, not into this, it is wrong; I can’t believe you would do this to me. He ignored me and began to smack my bottom with a riding crop. The progression was harder and harder until I started screaming that I hated him and I don’t want to be in this relationship etc. Only, none of that was true. I wanted this, and needed this more than I felt I needed something in my entire life. I kept getting up, and he kept flipping my over and smacking my ass. Finally, whatever I had said in my rage got him to stop. He said we needed to talk tomorrow about this. We both needed time to cool down, or at least I did. I knew what I said I didn’t mean, but this time I had taken the things I said to an entirely different level. Now we are back to square one. We both agree that I need a firm hand, and structure and guidance. I agree that I cannot be behaving the way I have for the short 26 years I have been alive. My whole live I have gotten what I want, ran away from what I didn’t like; literally and emotionally. I have run every relationship I have been in. I know in my heart I need discipline and want it, even crave it sometimes.  We have both decided that we are either 100 percent on board with this or we don’t do it at all. Agreeing to be 100 percent, I was to sign a contract. One reason is to protect my husband; after I threaten him with going to the police; he wanted it in writing that I agreed with everything spelled out in writing. It also stated that regardless of if I try to run, he has the full authority to tan my backside until I am brought into submission. There is no more running. I signed my name, kissed my husband and smarted that it was going to be a long road. He sent me to the bedroom to spank my ass. I am very sore from the punishment spanking I tried to refuse and this one for mouthing off. We decided to use maintenance spankings, reminder spankings, punishment spanking, soaping and corner time. My first week into full submission begins today… I am anticipating this new journey.